Where Have I Been...

Typically when I go underground bad things happen.  I isolate, eat, and rationalize my behavior.  Not this time.  This time I have been grounded and way more focused.  I have lost a total of 72 pounds as of this morning.

It's been tough and a journey -- and I still have long way to go.  My goal is to be under 150 lbs and I still have about 145 lbs to go.

I am still scared.  I still feel like I am on borrowed time.  I realize that's crazy thinking but I think it's what helps keep me motivated.  I realize that I could become height and weight appropriate and drop dead the next day of a heart attack, or a stroke, get hit by a bus, or murdered.  I get all that.  I need to let go of those kinds of fears and just live live.

It's all about writing it down and being conscious about what's going in my mouth.  It's about viewing food differently.  Not as something to comfort me.  Not as something to make me feel good.  Something that fuels my body.  It also means I can't enjoy what I am eating -- it means that I don't need to feel I want to embrace it.

My therapist told me people don't have relationships with food, and that's a bullshit excuse.  I was mad at him for a very long time.  A very long time.  I thought he was full of shit.  But really he's right.  We don't have relationships with food.  Relationships are two way streets, even if its a bad relationship.  Food doesn't give a shit about you and me.  The makers of it do.  Especially the fast food folks, but the reality is, you can't have a relationship with food.  You can have a relationship with yourself and sedate yourself with food I suppose.

I used to laugh when I would hear people say "I am breaking up with cheese"  I am breaking up with milk".  But I get that now.  Fast food is my big down fall.  It still is.  I would really like to say "I will never ever eat fast food again."  However, I am going to stick with the mantra that for today I choose not to eat it.

While I am here bitching, I hate face book.  I stumbled across my former husband who looks terrible.  Just simple terrible.  I got a pang in my heart when I saw him.  To think I used to be crazily in love with him so many moons ago is just mind blowing.  So many years have passed, it's been a lifetime.  Anyhow, I saw his photos and the photos of his wife.  She's much larger than me, and she was in a scooter.  That's my biggest fear, being one of those big fat scooter ladies.  She also looked kind of like me which creeped me out big time.  This motivates me even more to lose weight.  My weight calculator tells me that May 2013 I will be height and weight appropriate.

I hope you are doing all well - I am recommitting to write her more often.

Epiphany

Most people would rather be right than happy.

I am consciously choosing happiness.

It’s not like I chose to weigh this much!!!!

I read the above in the title on another person's blog that I am not going to link as I am trying to live my life as drama free as possible. (Nothing's worse than two fat people cat fighting -- trust me on that.)

My response to the statement above is "Duh"

No one asks to be overweight, or be a drug addict, alcoholic, sex addict, have a gambling addiction, have an eating disorder of any kind, or any myriad of addictions.

It happens. And when it happens we have to find the root of it, fix it and move on.

But it takes hard work, so when I see crap like "It's not like I asked to weigh this much." I think of it as a cop out.

Come on all of you who are obese take some responsibility. You were not born this way, you did not come out of the shoot being 100 lbs over weight. It took action, which is you overeating, not moving enough, and making poor food choices. 

Almost wished the rapture had happened yesterday....

Then I wouldn't be battling this whole food thing.

No more sugar. No more artificial sweeteners.

In the long run = good.

Short term : hard.as.hell

And here I thought being thinner would solve all my problems...

Boy was I wrong.

Right now  I am reading "It will never happen to me" by Claudia Black.  In a word, this book is intense, real, and it's what I needed to read.  The author has this amazing quote:



"I spent my whole life making sure I didn't end up like my dad.  And now, the only difference between my dad and me is that my dad died from his alcoholism and I don't have to die from mine"

When I read this time stopped for a moment.  And I sat up a little straighter and I said "Yeah, no kidding, I have worked so hard not to end up like *X* and now the only difference...."

The only difference.  What powerful sentence.

The only difference is that I erroneously thought that being thin, or thinner, would solve all of my problems.  Man I was wrong.  Being thinner, is just being thinner.  It doesn't fix what's going on in my head.  I am still fucked up.  I still have these ridiculous thoughts.  I still obsess about stuff I can't control and shouldn't even be wasting my time thinking about.  Being thinner doesn't prevent me from opening my mouth, inserting my foot, or not even being depressed.  It just means I am thinner.

I am reading this today....

This is probably one of the hands down most interesting books I think I have read in a very very long time. I loved it so much I sent it to my Cousin in the hopes that we can read it and talk about what we found inspiring and what we hated, because we have fun doing things like that.

I don't even know where I am spiritually anymore.  I know I am scared into believing "something", if that makes any sense.  I don't think that's what God intended for us to be "scared" into believing.  But I admit I am.

When I think about God, my Creator, the Universe, I am in constant of awe of how this all came to be.  I have a tough time reconciling that this just came about  after a big explosion.  I have a tough time thinking that life was created without some forethought of how we'd survive as human beings.  The way our hands perfectly interlock together as we walk hand in hand, how we eat, and our body uses food to fill our gas tanks, and then has this ingenious way of eliminating waste. How sex feels good so we continue to want to do it over and over and often have children along the way. How our bodies have this amazing ability to heal.  How we think, and move, and live.

I can't just accept the fact that I began as a fish.  or a lizard.  or whatever.

And I refuse to buy into the fact that Christianity is the only way to know and love God.

I'd be interested in what others think about this book.  I'll weigh in after I read it.  I hope you do to.